my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Are my feet made of real feet?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
