My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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