Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
