I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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