You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
kristin has been a bad kristin
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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