I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it hurts more in the daytime
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
