dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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