he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
