my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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