your thong is hanging out like whoa
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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