dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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