So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
