I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
