I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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