Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
why do cheetos always look like penises
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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