Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
