I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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