I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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