The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
