as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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