I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
