I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
