I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
