break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
