seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
