I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
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