ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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