even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
