Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
