what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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