my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
