I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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