Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I cannot find my penis.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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