what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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