What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
