I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
