Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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