I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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