i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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