Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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