Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
