I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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