I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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