i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
