you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
