I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
