Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
