life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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