I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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