the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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