Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
