i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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