You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
